He never failed to make me happy

He always wanted to annoy me.

i liked you more than anything. i liked you more than well-cooked hot dogs, i liked you more than how i like to go to Paris, i liked you more than the 48 pcs classic colour pencils of Faber Castell, i liked you more than a vanilla flavored ice cream, i liked you more than i used to like to have a lot of whiteboard markers as a child, i liked you more than McDonald's fries (gahd, how could i?), i like you more than how i like to learn how to sing and dance professionally haha, i like you more than fancy notebooks, i liked you more than a melon-scented perfume, i like you more than a creamy hot coffee, i liked you more than having a piece of Nike shoes (geez), i liked you more than a good morning in the province and the its air breeze. I liked you more than i liked someone. well, i didn't like you more than good music and good books though. bc i love good music and good books, just so you know. i liked you sooo badly, but i don't want to say and come up with the idea that i 'loved' you, bc i don't. just try to imagine it, at the age of 16, it's kinda weird to think that i already loved someone or fell in love with someone, it's clearly probable and possible, i know, but i just don't want to think that i "loved" you and i just don't want to say it, like  straight from my mouth. maybe for me, love will always have a deeper meaning, and when i say deeper, it's deeper   deeper than what concept of the word deep is for you. deeper than the world's deepest pools, deeper than Marianas trench, deeper than the deepest part of the ocean, deeper than my deepest thoughts in the bathroom, deeper than what i felt for you (hope it makes sense haha). and i expected a lot from it when it comes my way. and when it comes, hopefully it'll, i wanna be fully prepared and ready. so basically, this isn't  just what i expected. i expect more. so get your sht together bc it wasn't love.

                                                                                                                                                                   
#PiaWurtzbach #MissUniverse2015  #Proud #Pinoy #ConfidentlyBeautiful #MissPhilippines #LoveAndSupport ♥

PS. 4 days before Christmas, yay!

She has a lot of things to tell you, but never had the chance para masabi nya. Things that you surely don't know. Things that will make everything clear. Things that you really really really need to hear. But she decided not to tell you those. She decided to keep it with herself (siguro sa ngayon). She don't even know why. And she thought-- perhaps things will not going to be like this if i told him every single sht i have kept in me; perhaps it will be a lot easier; no more confusions, no more doubts, just assurance with each other; siguro maraming mababago at maraming hindi mangyayare kung nagawa kong sabihin. But no, hindi niya nagawa. Baka napangunahan ng takot.

It's also hard for her part, of course. For her to keep the things she badly wants you to know? For her not to speak about what she freaking feels for you about everything? It's hard. Really. There are times na gusto nya nalang sumabog at isigaw lahat ng gusto nyang sabihin, pero hindi nya magawa. Minsan, gusto ka nalang niyang kausapin personally at sabihin yung mga bagay na 'yun out of nowhere. Mahirap kasi, wala siyang masabihan. Gusto niya kasi ikaw lang ang makaalam. Gusto nya na kayong dalawa lang ang may alam. Just the two of you. She kept all the answer to your questions, even the silly ones. But she's fine. I hope she really is now.

 That girl is really weird and insane and unclear, unsure. Alam mo naman, 'di ba? Magulo ang utak ng babaeng 'yun! She will always have a little fight on herself- okay lang bang magustuhan ka nya, o dapat hindi ba; okay lang bang magpatuloy pa, o dapat tigil na; kung gusto mo ba talaga sya o ginagawa mo lang siyang libangan at pampalipas oras, and such. She is an absolute overthinker! She will always be an overthinker. And it sucks to be one. It ruins her. Overthinking is her thing, her drug. Pero wala e. She fell on a trap. A trap that has no way out. Ngayon 'di nya na alam kung paano makalabas. You know her. She's afraid of being hurt. She don't wanna be hurt. At any things, or at any possible way. Fragile sya, sensitive. Takot. Mahina. Pero alam kong kaya niya. She'll get through this. 

There are so many things she fantazised. A lot of things she imagined. But it seems like things aren't going on her way. And of course, it hurts. It hurts her so damn much. Some nights, she would cry herself to sleep. Or minsan, she would just stare at the ceiling asking why things went so wrong, thinking how things went that way. And when morning comes, the first thing that comes to her mind is you (corny, 'di ba?). There was never a time na nawala ka sa isip niya. Even a single moment. Most of the time parang she's fooling herself nalang na- siguro 'pag naghintay ako, eto na, ibibigay na siguro Ni Lord. Kaya ko naman maghintay e. Kahit gaano katagal, basta sya na; siguro pag medyo lumaki-laki na kami, okay na; siguro medyo bata pa kami ngayon kaya things are unclear pa. Siguro. Puro siguro. Walang kasiguraduhan.

Pero after all, she has no regrets for the things she did. She's glad for what happened. Kahit na things are so fcking confusing.

Siguro, for now, things will just stay the same. Hindi mo alam kung anong mga gusto nyang sabihin. Yes there's a possibility na you'll have an idea if you got to read this (as if naman na you'll be interested dito, tss. pero malay mo hehe), pero magiging malabo pa rin ang lahat. Hindi mo pa rin sya maiintindihan. Ni hindi niya nga rin maintindihan sarili niya e. And I guess, there's a reason for that. We never know kung masasabi niya pa ba yung mga bagay na yun, o hahayaan nalang niya sa sarili niya o makakalimutan na lang ba niya. Hoping that she won't let it die with her. Siguro sa tamang panahon, sa tamang pagkakataon. Sa tamang oras, sa tamang lokasyon. Sa oras ng Diyos. 

Maybe, there really are things better left unsaid, untold.

Or maybe not.